


Hammer & Nailz

by FayeLee (TeaJunkie42), TeaJunkie42



Category: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Whedonverse - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, Villains to Heroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29041182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaJunkie42/pseuds/FayeLee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaJunkie42/pseuds/TeaJunkie42
Summary: Captain Hammer moves to Oklahoma to start fresh.
Relationships: Captain Hammer/Original Character





	Hammer & Nailz

**Author's Note:**

> Is this Whedonverse? Dr Horrible Follow up inspired by a writing prompt that somehow made it from tumblr to an author fan group.

Hammer

Why do I smell cows? I see Big City, but I smell cows and...is that petroleum? Four years of therapy and a really big move. That’s what it’s taken to get back to the heroics. Back to who I am. Back in the game. I’ll admit who I was in LA was...well, to blunt, a jerk. After the wind was knocked out of my sails I had a bit of a breakdown. Ok, ok, I had a big breakdown. I’m not talking about it. New town, new life, new people to save. My therapist suggested a change of pace, so here I am in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It’s not the farthest I could get from LA geographically, but if I’d gone to the other coast, well, more big city, bigger villains. I wasn’t ready, and besides, I heard there’s a crack team out there already, with a big green dude and plenty of other folks. No, mid-America needed me, and I needed something completely different. 

Nailz 

Ugh. I’ve got to get out of here. I hate this city. I hate the smoothie shop I work in. I hate the dumb pink uniform. I hate the smells. I hate the fact that there’s hardly anything worth stealing. How am I ever going to make it as a super-villain without a nemesis? We haven't got any super heroes, just the normal kind. All of my life I’ve wanted nothing more than to live in a wretched hive of scum and villainy. But here I am in the heartland. We’ve got rough neighborhoods and petty thieves, even a few gangs. But no super villains. Nobody like Dr. Horrible, or Tie-Die, or Dead Bowie...although rumor has it, Bad Horse has ties around here. It’s just me, and all I’ve managed is a few minor inconveniences when I want is to wreak havoc. 

  
  


Hammer

So….there’s not a lot of crime to fight around here. Well, there’s a little crime. I’ve stopped a few muggers, broke up a bar fight, and stopped a gas station robbery...but no super evil stuff. I’ve fallen into a routine, get up, go for a run, grab a smoothie, go home, wait around, wander the streets at night watching for crime. It’s been a week. Maybe I’ll try a different smoothie place and jog by Riverside today instead of at Turkey Mountain. Coincidentally, Riverside...by the river, but I’ve yet to see a turkey at Turkey Mountain. Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron….it’s a mouthful, but the place looks clean and cheerful. But it’s apparently run by a troll, a troll in a bright pink uniform with a toucan on it, with cascading neon green curls. Ok, troll isn’t fair, actually, she’s, well, she might actually be stunning, but it’s rather hard to tell because her face is set in a pretty menacing scowl. “Hello! You look like you might be having a bit of a rough day, well never fear, Captain Hammer is here!” And I’ll be darned if her face didn’t light right up. Makes a fella’ feel pretty useful, that kind of reaction. 

Nailz

No-flipping-way! Here I was itching for a nemesis, and what lands in my lap? Captain-flipping-Hammer himself. I mean, he’s been out of the game a minute, but he’s the first super anything I’ve met in ages, and definitely the first here. “Welcome to Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron! What can I get you?” Ok, that might’ve been a little too chipper, reign it in Nat. 

“I’ll take a peanut butter cup smoothie. Two scoops of extra protein, and a vita boost, gotta stay in shape in case anybody needs saving!” The man has good taste in smoothies, I’ll give him that. I want him staying in shape too, this is going to be A-MAZE-ING, I finally have the potential for a nemesis! Resisting the urge to do a happy dance, I ring him up, make change. 

“Here’s a punch card, just in case you make this a regular stop, every third smoothie is a dollar off and your fifteenth smoothie is free!” Ok, girl, calm down. Don’t want him to suspect anything. I gotta whip up that smoothie, for all the cheesiness in the name and uniform, we stock top notch ingredients for some stellar smoothies. “Here you go! Come back and see me...er...us! Anytime!”

Hammer

Hoooboy, I still got it! It may not have been a dastardly deed I stopped, but I sure brightened up her day! And this is about the best darned smoothie I’ve ever tasted. I’ll definitely be filling in this punch card. Now, to head home and rest up for tonight’s patrol. Maybe tonight is the night I stop a super crime. 

Nailz

I have just the caper. Maybe he’ll catch me, maybe not. But I’ve got to hit his radar. It’s not like there’s a ton of other villains roaming around. I’ll hit that seedy pawn shop tonight, liberate a few items. See if he notices anything. I’ve just got to think of a signature. Something that will put me on the map. Even if it’s here. Ew. 

“Seriously?” I prepped for a major break in, I even sharpened my claws for tonight. So technically it’s a bladed glove, my super lies in the ability to be soundless, even with tools. Claws would be cool though. I slipped in the annoyingly unlocked door. I had already snipped the power to the building, then snipped the wires on the cameras for good measure. I didn’t see a battery backup, but better safe than sorry. Places like this always keep the best goodies in a safe….there, of course it’s under the counter. Could these guys BE any easier to rob? I brought out my drill and began punching through the mechanism on the safe. The powers of silence? So handy. Five minutes later, the safe was empty. Now, to draw some attention...I dig my claws into front window glass and...smash. That’ll get somebody’s attention. 

Hammer

I have a scanner app on my phone, earbud in, when I hear a break in report. Might as well check around, see if I can lend a hand. The officers are staring at a broken front window, “Hello! What’ve we got?” a flash of recognition hit the officer nearest the window. 

“Maybe a smash and grab, maybe not, they had to drill the safe open, we tried to pull cameras, but the power has been cut” Interesting.

“Mind if I check out the back?’ she gave me a nod and went back to whatever she’d been doing. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something super at work, super….and villain-y. I’m staring at a grimy back door, nothing. A tap on my shoulder and I spin around to find a woman clad all in black leather, including a mask in the shape that one guy’s, in that one musical, something something Opera, or whatever. I hadn’t heard her approach. “Nice mask.” I’m not a linguist. 

“Thanks, I’m a huge Andrew Lloyd Webber fan, couldn’t pass up the opportunity to pay a little _homage_ to his Phantom.” Her hushed tone, barely more than a whisper was...a little sexy. What?! I can objectively find her attractive. 

“You, wouldn’t happen to know anything about somebody robbing this fine establishment, would you?” Her lips twitch into a smirk, I bet her eyebrow is up too under her mask. She, honest to goodness, is smirking at me. 

“Fine establishment? That guy rips off everyone who walks through his doors. Who cares if he gets robbed?” She has a point. No. Wait. I’m the hero, robbing = bad. 

“Well, stealing is, uh, it’s still illegal” brilliant. What happened to my silver tongue? With a small chuckle she turns and walks off, and I’ll be darned if I don’t let her. I notice two things as she walks away, one, her pants fit very nicely, and two, even her short pigtails are jet black. 

Nailz

I stop and turn, he’s staring. I figure a parting shot is in order. After all, this is my chance to start a rivalry. “Unfortunately that puts us at odds I guess, because I don’t plan on stopping” with that, I slide into a shadow and work a couple of alleys until I’m on my way home. I drop my spoils in the donation slot of a charitable organization, not even pausing to see which one it is. Hopefully they’ll be one who doesn’t question their donations too hard. Or they’ll turn it over to the police. Either way makes no difference to me. Fortunately my shift in brightly colored smoothie hell doesn’t start until noon. Maybe I’ll make the news. Hopefully my little note strikes a chord.

Hammer

The next morning, I stop by the police substation on my way to go for my daily run. I want to see if anyone had any leads on my mystery burglar. “The camera at the back door caught your masked lady as she nipped the first wire, but after that, the power was gone. I can’t believe these places don’t have more modern equipment, heck, my 68 year old mother has wireless cameras.” Interesting. Her knowledge of the building screams she’s local, had she slipped up? Or been caught by the camera on purpose? Intriguing. No. No, not intriguing. Criminals aren’t intriguing. “One other thing...she left a message scratched in the wall...mean anything to you?” He slides a photo across the table, showing one dingy wall, in large slashes… ‘Hammer, meet Nailz’ a taunt? 

“Thanks for the info, I’ll be in touch” 

Nailz

The door chime sings. “Welcome to Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron, oh, it’s you, hey” Gary, the opening manager, back from his lunch. 

“I’m just going to settle back here and do some paperwork.” Perfect opportunity. What can I say about Gary? Gary is a super nice guy, and he’s got a huge crush on this regular. Sooo, I might’ve picked up a love potion to slip to her, from a weird old lady with a table outside of the Peace of Mind Bookstore. Villain, remember? I don’t care that it’s unethical, Gary is my favorite co-worker, and the object of his affections is single, so it’s a win win. I prep myself a smoothie, chocolate, strawberry, and banana. 

Door chime again, “Welcome to Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron! What can I get started for you?” I’ll be darned if it isn’t Gary’s crush. 

“I’ll take chocolate, banana, and strawberry! Thanks! Here’s my punch card”. I ring her up and turn to start her smoothie. Same as mine, so I slip in the potion and start the blender, I toss together another one for me and hit the button. 

Door chime, “Welcome to Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron!” Well, well, well, if it isn’t my (fingers crossed) nemesis. 

“Hey there little lady, I’ll have the same as yesterday, if you remember my order?” 

Of course I did. “Of course I do!”

I turn to see both blenders finish, I snag one and pour it in a cup and slide it to Gary’s gal, “Gary, a moment?” Might as well kick that off as soon as possible. 

“Whatcha need? Oh, hey there!” Gal Tuesday and Gary make eye contact and there may be some cartoon hearts. Score one for mysterious old ladies! I finish our transaction and turn to start the Captain’s smoothie. Oh yeah, mine is done. I pour it into a cup and take a good size sip, right to the edge of a brain freeze. I finish Hammer’s smoothie and turn...

Hammer

Her hair is red today, and it clashes horribly with her pink uniform. Aaaand she’s staring, and frozen. “Hellloooo, you alright smoothie girl?” with a grin that could outshine a lighthouse, she finally manages a response 

“I’m amazing, and so are you!” Um, alright. I don’t know what’s in the air today, but at least I didn’t mistake her for a troll today? “Here’s your smoothie” with a sigh-that-was-nearly-a-swoon…. 

“Thank you, um, here’s my punch card” she punches it and slides it back across the counter, our fingers brush as I take it, and suddenly her face matches her hair. 

“Come back and see me..erm...um, I mean,come back and see us, for, um a smoothie” and with that, she disappears into the back room in a whirl of red, pink, and toucan. Well, must be something mighty potent in the smoothies today. I sipped mine and started home. 

Nailz

What the hell was that!?!? I brushed his hand and went up in flames like a schoolgirl! His gorgeous blue eyes were all I could see, and I swear I heard a harp. A flipping harp for Pete’s sake! Oh no. Oh no. No no nononononono…...did I? I bolted back out into the dining room to see Gary and what’s-her-face having a cozy little chat. Phew! Ok. That was close, but what else could’ve...surely not..no. No way. “Gary, I’m so glad we finally got to talk, I’ve been working up the nerve for weeks, I’ll see you Friday night” wait. What? 

“Hey, Natalie, you’ll never guess, Peggy has been working up the nerve to make a move too! For months now!” 

Well, shit. “That’s awesome Gary! Do you mind if I step out for a sec?” I darted for the door. So….apparently I dosed myself with the love potion. Ugh. I can’t be hearing harps every time I see my arch-rival… that’s not how it works. This is going to complicate things. We haven’t even established ourselves officially as enemies. I’ll pull off another caper I’d back burnered, some sleazy club owner who likes to keep his valuables in various gems, weirdo. It’ll take a few days to prepare, soundless doesn’t mean I can evade motion detectors and I’m sure he’s got some sort of alarm system. 

Hammer

I’m nearby when an alarm call comes across the scanner. Aaaand, I see her! Two blocks away, slinking in between two houses and running for a back fence. I’m not far behind her. Super strength doesn’t make me a fast runner, but a regular running schedule? That’s helped. “Nailz!” She hesitates and turns...is she...waiting for me?

Nailz

What the heck am I doing? Waiting for him? Damn love potion. It’s gonna mess up my whole plan. I’ve got gems to scatter. “I’ll give you a chance to catch your breath” ok, come on feet, get a move on. He closes in and before he’s in arms reach I take off and scale the fence, pausing at the top “It’s been fun, but I’ve got to get a move on.” The Captain has not lost much in his time out of the game. He’s not far behind, but he’s new in town. There are the trees, on the other side a fence and some tanks of something, oil? Water? I risk a glance over my shoulder as I climb the fence. His hair in the moonlight is way prettier than any man’s should be. 

Hammer

Apparently Nailz isn’t amassing some sort of horde. I checked in with the police...she’d left the bulk of the gems she’d stolen scattered around LaFortune park. She’d left me another note. A hammer outlined in sapphires, glued on the garage door of the victim with the message ‘Catch you later’ scratched into the paint. It’s been a week and nothing more. Not so much as a dine and dash from my new nemesis. Nemmmesis. Hm. I like it. I feel more like me. Maybe next time I can catch her in the act or before? Meanwhile, I’m grabbing a smoothie. Smoothie girl has a rainbow of wigs, I’ve seen green, red, blue, aqua, purple,and a couple of light and dark variations. I think my favorite was the cotton candy pink that actually looked ok with her uniform. I still need to find out her name. 

Nailz

“Welcome to Tropical Revolve Smoothie Baron!” It’s him. Why has my pulse tripled? Oh yeah, I freaking dosed myself with a love potion. “What can I get for you?” Get it together Nat. Get. It. Together. 

“I’ll take my usual, thanks!” 

I can’t even make eye contact with him as I ring him up, punch his card, and turn to start his smoothie. 

“Hey, I can’t keep calling you smoothie girl in my mind, what’s your name?” 

He thinks about me? I stifle a squeal. And then roll my eyes. Really? “Erm...Natalie, but my friends call me Nat, you can call me Nat...not that...I mean...we could be friends…” ugh. I’m gonna have to stop staring into the blenders at some point. What the heck is wrong with me? I’m a grown woman. Get. It. Together. I turn around and he’s...smiling at me. 

“Sure, friends” he says with a smile. A dreamy smile...ugh, why?! Never messing with potions again. NEVER. “...maybe we could check it out sometime?” Crap on toast. What? Where? Did CAPTAIN HAMMER just ask me out? Wait no. Not out. To hang out. He’s staring. I’m staring. 

“Sure! When?” I squeak. 

“I’m working some...night shifts, how about Sunday afternoon, are you free?” 

I’m working an overnight gig too, but I’ll just keep that to myself… “we’re closed on Sunday, so I’m free, but I need to come in and clean. We can meet here, what time is good for you?” 

He paused a second “let’s do 3?” 

“3 is good”

He takes his smoothie and heads out the door with a teensy little adorable wave. Adorable. Ugh. Dang potion. 

Hammer

My thoughts tumble by as I wait. Another week and still nothing from Nailz. She must be up to something big. Meanwhile, I have a da...appointment with smoothie girl. Natalie. Nat, because we’re friends. Friends is a good start. After my breakdown, Penny’s death, I took a hard look at the way I’d run through women, treating them...abominably. One more thing to work through. I lived like a monk during my recovery. Now, there’s no way I’m going back to any of my old patterns. New me. New life. I’m going to make a friend, and see where it goes. Nat IS pretty adorable though. 

As if conjured by my thoughts, she steps out of the shop and onto the sidewalk. She’s wearing a pink wig, bubblegum this time, styled in long waves. I have a new favorite. Her jeans and black sweater are a subdued change after seeing her only in her hideous uniform. “Wow” so articulate. 

“Hi! I’m gonna be honest, I was a little distracted when you were talking about where you wanted to go. So, um, where are we headed?” She left my fumble alone. 

“I’ve heard a lot about the zoo here, would you like to check it out?” She, honest to goodness, beams at me. 

“I love the zoo! I’d love to show you around it. I even have a pass, so it’s on me!” I lead her to my car and we head out. On the drive we chat about the weather. Apparently I should be preparing for tornado season to start in a few weeks. I had been unprepared for the still chilly early spring, but I had learned the weather here was ridiculously unpredictable and to be ready for anything. As we pull into Mohawk Park, I notice a sign for Oxley Nature center. 

“Hmm, Oxley Nature Center. What’s that?” 

She lights up again. “There are some interactive exhibits, but honestly the best part are the hiking trails. They aren’t anything intense, but they’re a nice walk through a beautiful area” We park and head for the gates across a wide bridge, all of a sudden she’s hanging over the side. 

“Turtles! I always have to stop and look at them” and sure enough there in the muddy creek, are at least a dozen of them. I follow her through the gates and watch her reach out and touch a fountain with a giant granite globe. “Do you care where we start?” I shrug “Ok then Wildlife Trek first!” The building is labelled ‘Life in the Cold’ and I spot a couple of Grizzly’s in their pens. “They used to have a polar bear here, but he died” her eyes were watery. 

“Poor fellow, I can tell you liked him”. She nods, and I couldn’t help myself, I gave her an innocent, friendly side hug. She leaned her head on my shoulder and sniffled. 

Nailz

Oh. My. Lanta. Swoon...his arm is around me and I can’t help it...I lean my head in and take a sniff. He smells like sandalwood and clean laundry. I could die. I could just die right now. Get a grip. “Let’s head inside. They have an adorable Arctic Fox!” I lead him through all of the buildings that make up the Trek, then winding through the children’s zoo. “We have to pet the goats!” He’s...playing with the kids...not children, but baby goats. Pfft, that’s it. I’m done for. Smitten. This is the end. Damn that Potion.

Hammer

She keeps staring, the old me would natter on about my manly physique, but honestly I think it’s the goats she’s watching. The woman loves animals. We move on through heirloom animals, past some otters, and head for the rainforest. As we enter the damp heat hits me like a wall, she sees my reaction and chuckles. She grabs my hand, pulling me further in. “How are you not dying under that wig?” Another laugh, “I’m used to it.” 

We wind around and under structures made to look like roots and caves. We see fish, snakes, amphibians, all sorts of creatures. She carries on a steady stream of information and I can tell this is one of her favorite areas. Smoothie girl has brains. Not a thing I’ve historically appreciated in women. She seems soft and sweet. Nothing like the sharp Nailz. Why was I comparing them? My nemesis is my nemesis and my friend is my friend. The cool air yanks me from my thoughts as we step outside. 

“It’s always a jolt coming out of there, even in the summer” I stuff my hands in my pockets because I want to touch her, just take her hand or something. But it’s our first hangout. I don’t want to push anything. 

Nailz

The cool air feels good after the heat of the rainforest building. I look at my companion, my nemesis, and a crap ton of feelings tumble through me. Ugh. The potion. I want to hate him, but thanks to the darn thing, that’s the furthest feeling. He looks cold and I can’t help myself, I slip an arm through his and lean in. “It’s kind of chilly, hope you don’t mind” 

He grins “not in the least”. 

You’re gonna get close and find a weakness, I chide myself, you don’t like him. I lead him around to the African portion, I love the lions, and the other animals are nice, but really I want to wind around to the snow leopards. They’re the cutest little beasts. I keep hold of his arm the whole way, it’s nice. No it’s not. Oh whatever. I can take a day off from villainy. The potion will be dealt with soon and it’ll be back to business as usual. I’d been setting up my next heist last night. Really a caper. A spree. I grinned in anticipation. Then I grinned more because I’d made it to the snow leopards. “Come on! These are another favorite. They’re just the cutest” 

Hammer

She’s been quiet, almost pensive. I can’t imagine what’s going on in her head and honestly, I don’t want to ask. I’m enjoying her walking close as we move from enclosure to enclosure. Then, with an exclamation she’s dragging me until we are side by side looking into an enclosure as the most adorable predators I’ve even seen. “I don’t know about the cutest, but they are pretty adorable” I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even hear me as she’s bending down to look at one of the little fuzzies near the barrier. 

“They just look like you could curl up and snuggle them all day.” 

“They also could claw your face off, and that would be a shame.” 

She stood and turned to me, “I’ve always wanted claws, I think they’d be handy”. 

Or dangerous, like...nevermind, we’re off again. She pulls me along through the rest of the Lost Kingdom section, saw the tigers, some sort of primate...and of course the elephants. “They’re just so big” and so are her eyes as she looks at the elephant next to the fence. “I can just barely believe they’re real?”

“These are just the asian elephants, one day we’ll have to find a zoo with African elephants” 

Nailz

One day. As in, in the future. I wanted him to keep me forever. Damn potion. Damn Crush. This is fine right now, but later...it could be sticky. I lead him toward the chimpanzee enclosure, wrinkling my nose at the smell. It always looks clean, but the smell has lingered for as long as I can remember. “Once, I was here and two of the males got into a fight, I was terrified!” this draws a chuckle from my companion, “Never fear, Captain Hammer is here”. _Sigh_...ugh. I lead him onward, to exit through the gift shop, something pulls my hand, oh right, we’re still holding hands. 

‘

“Hold on, I’ve got to get you something” he pulls me toward the stuffed animals and plucks out a snow leopard “so you’ll have one to snuggle, and your face is safe from being torn off.”

I feel my face heat. “Ok, in the case I’m getting you something, but it’s a surprise”. I dart off while he moves to the register, I snag an obnoxiously colorful hat with a Macaw on it, clandestinely purchase it, and meet him outside and sneak it on his head. “Don’t you dare look at it!” he lowers his hand and passes me the leopard plush. 

“How do you feel about dinner? Burgers are less date-y than other dinner options, if that’s good?” 

Less date-y, right, not a date, just a hang out. But we’re having a great time, “burgers sound great, you ever had Fat Guys? They have a thai burger with peanut butter that is delicious!” and if it’s not a date, I don’t have to care what my breath smells like. 

Hammer

I have never seen a woman eat a burger that size, and fries. While dinner was less cozy than we’d gotten at the zoo, it was a blast. We talked about life in Tulsa, movies, things in the area that you wouldn’t even believe existed in Oklahoma. I also finally got a peek at the hat she’d bought. She’s got a sense of humor for sure. Now I’m sitting here waiting, we got a tip that Nailz might be out tonight. So far she’d created mischief, inconvenience, hadn’t really targeted anyone vulnerable. I guess what I’m saying is, she doesn’t seem bad, just…chaotic. And she’s out...wonder where she’s headed, and how she got so close without me hearing her?

“What are you up to?” Nailz jumps and squeaks, she’s literally feet from me, she’d walked right past me in the alley without making a single sound, interesting. Fortunately she hadn’t seen me, firstly because I got the jump on her, and secondly because I got another glimpse of those leather pants. 

Nailz

Crap! I may be silent, but he’s good at lurking. I drop, swinging my leg out and hooking his knee. My plan? Sweep his knee, roll, run away. But what actually happens...I hook his knee and he overcorrects and falls toward me, pinning me to the ground. Dammit. I take advantage of our entangled legs and roll on top of him, flipping us in the process, attempting to catch his hands. What the heck am I doing? Now I’m straddling him, I’ve got one of his hands pinned to the ground, the other lands on my hip. I lean in close, why the heck does he have to smell so good? 

“Did you just sniff me?” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t smell so good” Oh geez, really Nat? My free hand is resting on his shoulder, and I use it and my less tangled leg to push off, but the hand on my hip has a stronger grip than I realized and I only manage to rock my hips against him, which is...mortifying. I have just humped my nemesis. I feel my face heat under my mask, how the hell do I get out of this?

Hammer

Well. I need to take control of the...situation, and quickly, before this gets embarrassing for both of us, although what I can see of her face is most definitely flushed...I don’t think she meant to grind against me, she was probably trying to get up. Yet, here we were. Still. Locked in a stalemate of sorts, unless one of us says or does something. I twist the hand that’s pinned to the ground, tweaking her wrist, so she releases the pressure enough I can pull my hand free...and the traitorous thing lands on her other hip. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, her hands are free and her shock wears off at about the same time...and she slaps me. “Hey, what did I do?” 

“You..I..we...ugh. Is that a hammer in your pocket?”

“That is...well, sometimes I call it my…you know what? Can we just…”

I sit up and push her away from me, this situation isn’t likely to get any more awkward, I hope. I stand and help her to her feet. “Can we just start over? That got weird.” She brushes her knees off and looks at me, there’s something slightly familiar about her eyes, but I can’t place it. 

Nailz

I get a little lost in his eyes for a second. Then I spot the spark of what might be recognition. “How about we call this one a draw and call it a night?” I look down, feeling little flutters all over. Honestly, there’s a temptation to whip my mask off, throw myself into his arms, and hope he doesn’t hold a grudge. But I could only guess how that might end...and I wasn’t going to take that risk. Especially since I’m sure my desires are all from that blasted potion. I have plans for tomorrow, but as soon as my little northbound caper, I’m finding the old woman that sold me that potion. 

Well crap, I’ve been standing here entirely too long waiting for an answer… and he’s still watching me. “What?” 

“I..um. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine”

“Ok”

“Look, I’m gonna just go...we’ll meet again” Lame! That was so lame, and with that I spun on my heel and took off. And he let me. 

Hammer

As she walks away, I mentally kick myself. I could’ve handled the better. All of it. I couldn’t help grabbing her hip, I should’ve let go, before anything...came up. I can’t believe the pull I feel toward Nailz, but there was definitely a zing there. Tomorrow I’m asking Nat on a real date. I’m interested, I think she is, and I definitely need to head off this...whatever it is… with Nailz before it gets the better of me. Focus on Natalie, because she’s not a criminal. 

Nailz

I took this morning shift so I could hit the road early, but now that I’m face to face with one sweaty, fresh from a jog, bare armed Captain Hammer…. I should’ve just called in sick. Gary wouldn’t have minded. Of course, my lemon yellow wig and lack of a mask means it’s ok to make cow eyes at him. Kind of. “Hey there, friend, peanut butter chocolate again?”

“Sounds perfect, and um, Nat?”

“Yeah?”

“About that friend thing, would it be ok if I took you out on a real date? As something-other-than-friends?”

  
  


Hammer 

Why is she thinking so long? Oh no. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. Is there any way to take it back without hurting her? Friendship is better than losing her, or worse, making it weird. If she would just answer me instead of giving me that very wide eyed stare...it’s rather….bovine? 

“A real date?”

“Unless you don’t…”

“Of course I do”

“Oh. Good. So…”

“I’m busy tonight, with a, um, thing. But tomorrow?”

“Coincidentally I, too, have a, thing, tonight. So tomorrow evening would be great, what time?”

“You can pick me up at 7:00, I’ll text you the address, if I can get your number?”

“Oh. Yeah.” I grab a napkin and scribble my number….and my first name. It’d be nice to hear it on her lips. I also pay for my smoothie and start for the door. 

“Tomorrow then, Smoothie girl”

“Tomorrow, Joss”

It’s been a long time since anyone but my mother has called me by my name. I like it. 

Nailz 

Twitterpated. That must be it. Because nothing else makes sense. I have a date with Jo...Captain Hammer. I don’t know if it’s fair to use his name when I’m talking to myself. I’m pretty sure there’s rules for this somewhere. Maybe I should track down Naughty Nag. She’s Bad Horse’s aunt, come to find out. I heard she’s out to pasture on some ranch in Osage County, but I bet she knows a thing or two. Before I leave though...I’m running by Peace of Mind to see about this potion situation. It might ruin my date, but maybe I could put it off…

“Thanks Gary! I’m going to visit some family out of town this evening. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I have everything loaded, mentally checking off my list, rope, knife, burglary tools, outfit, claws. Just one little stop. Walking into the bookstore, I head straight for the clerk. “Say, that little old lady that sells potions out front, do you know how I can reach her?”

“Oh dear, you must mean Cathy, she um, isn’t affiliated with us or anything, we just don’t run her off. Mostly she’s, well, kinda crazy. She brews dandelions she picks in the park and then sells it rather than just begging.” My stomach drops…

“Oh, so, it wouldn’t...say, cause someone who drinks it to develop a crush on a person?”

“Oh no, dear, I’m sorry if your were hoping it would win over a lover, we do have a couple of things for that…”

“Um, well, thank you” I walk to the car, holding in my reaction. I’m trying not to freak out. I dosed myself with mother FLIPPING DANDELION TEA!! Tea. Not. A. Potion. So how the H-E-double hockey sticks am I freaking besotted by the person that’s supposed to be my nemesis. Does this mean? Oh. My. Lanta. I’ve got it bad for Captain Hammer. This is too damn complicated. Or maybe it’s less complicated. Sure. I just have to tell him that, what? I’ve been lying to him and I’m gonna mend my ways? Am I going to mend my ways? Maybe I could be his sidekick? No. Well, maybe a partner. I turn my radio up. I’m just not dealing with this right now. 

Hammer

I got a tip that Nailz planned to hit a museum on a ranch north of Tulsa. A museum on a ranch? Well, this IS Oklahoma. I wonder how Gary at the smoothie place knows anything about what Nailz is up to? I contacted someone who works at the ranch, they’re going to meet me and let me in at dark. So until then, I’m headed into a city called Bartlesville. The guy at the gas station told me there’s a steakhouse, with a cow shaped sign. I pull in and park, I walk through the lobby where there’s a handwritten sign that says seating is on the honor system… I look through the door and spot a familiar face. One with no wig obscuring it. Her hair is black and shoulder length. Wonder what she’s doing here?

Nailz

“Is this seat taken?” 

“No, erm…”

I look up and it’s...no way. I don’t have a wig on, but so many people have black hair. It shouldn’t be a thing. Oh yeah, I’m just sitting here staring, say words, Nat.

“You can have a seat, it’s just me, can’t miss out on Murphy’s when I’m up here, you’ve got to try the hot hamburger. It’s a local thing, it sounds insane, but it’s pretty good every once in a while”

“That’s what the guy at the gas station said.”

“And gravy over all”

Our waitress, a lady I’ve seen here for years, steps up and we order. Of course we both get the hot hamburger, I’m going to regret it later if I have to run, but who cares?

“So, toast, a patty, fries...then it’s slathered in gravy?”

“I know, I know. But don’t forget, this is Oklahoma. Our state meal is chicken fried steak”

“Wow, that is...wow”

“Yep, so, what brings you to Bartlesville? I have family up here…”

“Oh, just a work thing. A little extra security gig”

“Fun”

“Yeah, so, um about our date…”

Oh for the love of Pete, he’s gonna cancel, ugh, dying….

“Yes?”

“If you’d rather it just be a friend thing, it’s ok”

Gulp. Is he trying to let me off the hook, or…? I realize I’m staring and my cheeks are probably as red as the Naugahyde seats… “I, er, uh, that is...no!”

“Um, could you be a little more...specific?”

“I...do not want it to be a friend thing.” Good lands my face is probably a beacon. I take a loooong drink of my strawberry pop, I’m straight up terrified of looking up. 

“Good” 

I finally peel my eyes from the crushed ice and look at him. That is a killer grin he’s sporting. I match it with a smile of my own. 

“Now that THAT is out of the way….”

Hammer

I hated to end our dinner, but we do have tomorrow. I think we might have a real connection. There’s more to Nat than meets the eye, and there’s something about her I can’t quite put my finger on, something special. I pull up and speak to a somewhat grizzled cowboy, who leads me down a longish drive, we take a couple of turns to some sort of service entrance, and I park in a garage that might have once been a barn. He leads me past a gift shop and some sort of heritage center and across a drive to a museum. “I reckon this is the most likely target, there’s plenty of art and antiques that a thief might be after”

“I’ll keep an eye on, and patrol inside, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll leave ya with keys to everything, so you can get wherever you need to go.”

“Sounds good, I’ll do whatever I can to keep the museum safe”

“If’n you want, there’s a lookout tower on top of the gift shop, might give you a good view of things too”

“I’ll keep that in mind”

Nailz

My headlights bounce down the rough old road that will take me around the gate. One of these days, it’ll probably be closed off. But not today. The handy thing about my little cone of silence? I can extend it to a vehicle, as long as it’s a smallish sedan or a compact car. I tried it with a Buick Lucerne once...it worked, except something rattling around the trunk. My Ford Fiesta is definitely within the range of my powers. It's painted matte black and the windows tinted, it’s pretty stealthy, even if it’s not very intimidating. Making this drive in the dark with no lights will be tricky, but not impossible. I’ve been here a million times with my cousins, my plan? I’m going to rearrange the creepy-as-heck doll collection. I’ll put a doll anywhere ominous I can. I’m not going to steal or damage anything, I couldn’t bear it. I’ve got a soft spot for this place. Ok, right at the Y, taking the low road in. Rumbling past the lake, I’ll park near the little office. What’s that place for, anyway? Maybe I should cut the power, but with my mask and gear...I don’t really care if they record me, I’ll just wave at the camera. I’ve got to go through the front doors, it’s tradition. With a snick the lock is open. The color changey ceiling. It’s gonna be a distraction. There’s time to lay down on the bench and watch the colors shift. This, this is lovely. I’m surrounded by statues of pioneers and I’m watching a light show...and I hear footsteps. Crap on toast, they’re coming from the restroom and I have time to make a break for it. Speeding through the displays, past the Rain Dancer, and the dozens of beautiful pieces. My feet skid to a stop in front of Visions of Yesterday. It’s a breathtaking piece, featuring an elderly indigenous man, tilling the field in a way he never would have without interference from white men, as visions of a hunt spread across the clouds. It’s so beautiful, crap, those footsteps just accelerated into a run. Shiitake mushrooms. Hopping down at a breakneck pace, glancing up to catch the mounted two headed calf before focusing back on my feet. Crap, crap, crap, they’ve rearranged since I was last down here. I dart through the unfamiliar displays heading around corners to reach the other stairs. I gotta take a sec and listen, no more pursuit. Big. Sigh. Of. Relief. I need to regroup, find the dolls, and get to it. I head back up the stairs, better to figure out where my pursuer went first. 

Hammer 

This painting, Visions of Yesterday. The emotion is palpable. Oops, got distracted there, I bet my quarry comes up the other stairs. I head back around to where the steps are just in time to see a shadow slip back into the lobby with the glowy ceiling. I head that way and yep, it’s Nailz. She’s staring at the ceiling. I take the chance and grab her, intending to wrap my arms around her mid torso so I can hang on to her, hopefully without anything as...confusing, embarrassing, awkward...as last time. What I hadn’t figured...is her startled spin. I’ve gone from an attempt at restraining her to...well...embracing her. We’re face to face and I KNOW those eyes. What I don’t know, is what to do with what I know or if she knows I know… and suddenly my thoughts that are already bouncing around like a pinball with Tommy at the flippers, are cut off abruptly by a pair of soft lips pressed to mine. Brain can’t brain, lips and arms however…know what to do. Arms, they tighten.Lips...

Nailz

Holy shit. He’s kissing me back. That’s the last coherent thought in my brain as he deepens the kiss. Time becomes a non-thing as this continues...wait. He’s got a date with me tomorrow, but he’s kissing...er, also me... tonight. What a horse’s bohonkus! When my hand strikes his face, it stings. “You cad! You’ve got a date with Natalie tomorrow! Why are you kissing me?!?!”

“I, uh, well, you...um, how do you know Nat?”

“Never mind how I know her, we’re...very close. Don’t be kissing other women when a sweetheart like Nat is, er, sitting home”

“It was a...slip. You know…”

“What!?”

“Well…”

“Spit it out!”

“Um, never mind. I swear I’ll apologize to Nat tomorrow. She’s pretty special to me.”

“I...uh...She is?”

“She is” 

“Well, good, now, I think I’ll just be going”

“Ok”

“Ok?”

“Look, you’ve honestly never done serious harm, you’re a...friend...of Nat, if you leave here without carrying out your plan for, whatever, I’m good with it.”

“Weeeell...since you put it that way, SEE YA!”

My feet have never moved so fast. I am going HOME. I am eating a PINT of ice cream. And then, I’m deciding what the hell to do about two timing Hammer Head. 

Hammer 

There’s a rock in the pit of my stomach. I’m a little worried that Nai...er, Nat won’t believe me when I explain I knew who she was when that kiss dragged on. How do I even start? “So, I kissed you last night, I knew you were you but I didn’t tell you I knew you were really you, but really meant to kiss you, both of you...all of you?” Flopping onto the couch, I peek at my phone again. Nothing. Crap. It’s only noon. Maybe she’s still sleeping. I would be if it weren’t for nerves. Ding. DING!? My phone nearly leaps from my hand. 

Nat: Meet me at Oxley, wear comfy shoes. We’re hiking. 

Me: Sounds like a plan, what time?

Nat: I’m about to leave my house. Now. 

Me: See you soon. 

She sounds mad. Think, think, think. How do I convince her I knew it was her? I knew from her eyes. Maybe she’ll believe that. Either way, I’m hauling ass out the door. 

Nailz 

Where is he… My feet may wear a hole through these boards if I have to pace much longer. There he is, coming up the ramp. When he’s almost too me, I head I to the building, bypassing the exhibits, and out the back to the trails. Fortunately, he follows. I don’t even pay attention to which trail I start on, they loop around and connect to others, and I plan on finding my way to the observation tower on the other side of Blackbird Marsh. The silence is getting awkward, but he trails along. What do I even say to him? ‘Hey, I know you kissed someone else, but that someone is me, and I lead a double life, so it’s all good.’ Naw. Maybe. I don’t know. Crap, I’ve got to slow down a minute, I don’t know if I should take this turn. Warm fingers grip my hand. I turn. 

“What?”

“I...did? Um..do you...hm. How do I even start?”

“Maybe by composing a complete sentence.”

He looks...like this could take a minute. Like he’s trying to figure out exactly what to say. Maybe he knows who I am...that would make sense interpersonally, but why isn’t he apprehending me if that’s the case? 

“I recognized your eyes or I never would’ve kissed you back, I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I like you Nat, I like you a lot. I like Nailz too, before I caught on it was in an adversarial but fun way, and I’m not going to deny a weird attraction that I couldn’t follow through on, because of you. But you’re all one person, and I like all of you. I’d like you to consider something, but we’ll get to that later….what?”

“That was more than one sentence, and a bit of a run-on”

“Sorry”

“It’s ok, I really like you too. I also don’t get to be too mad, I was the one leading the double life” 

“True”

“So...you don’t mind?”

“Well, surprisingly no. I feel like an explanation might be in order, but I’m not mad. Can we talk about your criminal life?”

“We can, but here’s the deal...I’m a partner, not a sidekick.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I’m ok with a little chaos now and then, truly”

“It might be more than a little”

“I’ll deal”

I moved in close, but waited for him to make the next move. I was not disappointed. 

Hammer

As soft as her lips are, I have to know how this started. “Now, lead on, you can explain as we take in the nature”

“Must I really?”

“Oh, you must”

“Well, I bought what I thought was a love potion”

“Planning on manipulating me with your womanly wiles?” 

“No, I was trying to set Gary up with this lady”

“I’m not shocked”

“Anyway, what I may or may not have accidentally dosed myself with, was tea from a crazy lady. What I thought was a potion induced crush was...real?” 

“But you did want to be my nemesis?”

“Sooo bad, it’s really boring here”

“I’ve noticed, there’s plenty of crime, but not the sort I can do a lot about.”

“Yeah”

“It’s unfortunate.”

“Very”

My arms are still around her and I’d rather not let go. But we’re just randomly standing in the woods and I can hear other people on the trails. 

“Shall we carry on?”

“Yes, I think I know which way to go now”

Hand in hand we headed through the woods, hopefully she knows where she’s going. 

  
  


Nailz 

We’re almost there. I’m still reeling a bit, but I pull him up into the observation tower and now we’re definitely alone. 

“Can I still wear my mask?”

“I wouldn’t dream of changing a thing about you”

“Good”

“You seriously thought you’d zapped yourself with a love potion?”

“It made more sense than falling for the only ‘good guy’ in the tri-state area”

His arms wrap around me from behind, his breath his on my cheek as we take in the view together. 

“I am awfully handsome though”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed”

“And muscular”

“Not like Thor”

“Do I need to worry?”

“You’re safe from anyone who has better hair than me”

“Is there something wrong with my hair?”

“Nope”

Turning in his arms, our lips meet, and time pretty much ceases to exist. Until we’re suddenly surrounded by an entire troop of scouts. 

“We, um, we’re just going going”

“Enjoy the view.”

Eyes follow us as we carry on down the path, but I think I here someone say, “was that Captain Hammer?” Followed by… “and apparently his girlfriend”... can’t win them all, everyone will know my name soon enough. Even if it’s not quite in the way I’d imagined. 


End file.
